- Albert Einstein
every december 31st, millions around the globe gaze in retrospect of what made up the past 365 days. they focus on what shaped their lives, what changed the world, the moments that left them feeling unyielding sorrow and the weeks where nothing could go wrong. fraught with nostalgia, one looks towards january 1st and the days to come for hope of what could be; hope that they can overcome challenges in their personal lives, hope that life will be more empathetic in its brutality. some just want to be happy.
i understand that happiness is just an emotion, an emotion that is unique but like thousands of others. happiness is the most pleasing of them all, so most of us live our life in it's pursuit. i don't think that an emotion can be acquired. we don't have happy, we are happy. we are also sad. happiness and sadness are two opposite forms of the same thing, emotion. even if i were to lead my life surrounding myself with people and things that make me happy or any other emotion, this emotion would be unsustainable. all emotion is ephemeral except for those with mental disorders. they leave, come back, are banished and reappear with more force. eventually you find yourself back into the rhythm of life. this rhythm is when you don't feel any emotion in particular. this state can last days or even the rest of your life. it can also be as short as an hour. during our rhythm, we can feel like a zombie, walking about without experiencing any emotion. we feel the most alive when we are very happy, very sad or very anything.its exhilarating to really fully experience an emotion. when we feel very nothing is when we seem the most dead but it is this seeming death that lets us learn the most and understand life and who we are.
yes i would experience more moments of happiness if i was happy but it is more meaningful for me to find meaning instead and lead me to a sustainable peace.
i'm on the pursuit of meaning; meaning for my own existence and meaning for existence itself.
for me to search meaning or purpose for existence is for an atheist to search for god. this is what i am. i can't be sure that there is no god because it is impossible to disprove something that is equally impossible to prove. it is this reason that makes me unable to accept the existence of a god. without a god there is no purpose because there is no one or nothing to objectively give or create one . the only purpose or meaning that i will ever be able to find is the one that i give to my own existence. why i choose to live and what i do with this life; only then will i know my purpose and understand my existence.
to say that i want to find meaning for existence itself is more of a practice in broadening my mind than anything else. unless god can be proven it would be naive of me to say that i expected to find anything but it is in life's own absurdity of existence that one can find meaning.
new years presents itself as an opportunity for people to reaffirm their lost or forgotten values, to start anew, a new slate where a better life can be sought and lead. the start of the new calender year has a psychological impact that speaks of renewal, change and transformation. thats why the new years resolution is so telling of who we are and what we want. the resolution i want is the meaning and understanding that will hopefully give me inner peace.
i would take inner peace over ephemeral emotion any day.